>???????? ????? ???????? Milton said that “a meet and happy conversation is the chief and noblest end of marriage,” by which he meant that physical love is all well and good but true marriage is a meeting of the minds. He knew whereof he spoke because after he married her he discovered that his attractive young wife was incapable of having a sustained conversation about anything at all (or so he claimed). Although he does not say so this was the price they paid in those days for educating only boys (if anyone was educated at all), so his impatience with her is unattractive. What did he expect?
In the course of marriage people grow and change. Nowadays marriages last longer than in his day. If one partner grows intellectually and the other does not the situation is worse than if one partner loses interest in sex.  Epicurus would have seconded that thought, although one might guess that his interest in the opposite gender was typical of the age in which he lived. It is probably true to say that it takes a decade or three for a man to realize that companionship and a meeting of the minds is hugely more important than a pretty face.
Yes, conversation so often dies – you can often tell who is married when looking around in a restaurant – they are the ones with nothing to say to eachother.
Alternatively:
I expain quietly. You hear me shouting.
You try a new tack. I feel old wounds reopen.
You see both sides. I see your blinkers.
I am placatory. You sense a new selfishness.
I am a dove. You recognise the hawk.
You offer an olive branch. I feel the thorns.
You bleed. I see crococile tears.
I withdraw. You reel from the impact.
The above poem was written by Rger McGough
Very good! Where did you find him? Makes me want to emulate his talent and thoughts.
I was given Roger Mcgough’s poem when I was training as a counsellor. It illustrates the mis-perception which goes on between two people when they are trying to communicate. What you say is not always what is received. This can lead to anything from a trivial misunderstanding to outright war.! It can certainly corrode a marriage.
I’ve noticed that, too, couples at a restaurant table with little to say to each other. Here’s my theory.
Two people live under the same roof and, if retired, do so 24/7. Given the never-apart situation, there’s not much more to chat about just because they shift tables, is there? And maybe, because the togetherness is intense, they’re not pressured by silences. Does this theory seem plausible? It certainly speeds dinner along.
Yes, Dapollonia, I agree with that, there is nothing so comfortable as an understanding silence. Next time I am in a restaurant I will see if I can suss whether the silence between couples is comfortable or sterile. Perhaps the body language will be the key. People who unconsciously mirror eachother’s
body language have a rapport with eachother.
I read of a person who walked into a room where the couple were having a ‘comfortable’ silence, and she said “I feel left out of this silence.!”
Of course in Epicurus’ Garden the the silence will be peaceful, calm, relaxing and full of rapport amongst us……!
The key is to have some common interests. It must be difficult if your husband is a sports fanatic and you are not. Boring, too. If you are going to be married you should make an effort to develop interests together, otherwise you may as well hire a housemaid or an odd job man.