Experts in child-rearing believe we have a lot of it wrong these days. They think parents are too invested in their children’s minute to minute happiness. They are too protective, too eager for their children to be proved academically outstanding, too reluctant to accept the kids are not all going to excel equally, indeed, far too hands-on. The experts have the following historical and psychlogical points of view:
1. A strong emotional and physical attachment to at least one primary caregiver (parent, aunt, adopter and so on) is said these days to be crucial. But for most of history, and across all cultures to varying extents, the emphasis has been for the mother not to get too emotionally invested in a newborn or young infant who might die or sap her energy and health, and consequently the well-being of the family or community. No apparent damage seems to have been done to children, as far as we know.
2. Co-sleeping, on-demand feeding and constant parent-child play – now associated with “attachment parenting” should serve both parties or be abandoned.
3. Too much is made of the uniqueness of every child, alongside an “everyone’s-a-winner” mentality. Obsessed with children’s happiness, US parents, “tolerate mediocre academic performance and rail against teachers who expose our children’s failings”. Treating children with kid gloves for fear of harming their self-esteem is doing them no favours.
4. Learning through observation, play and autonomy are critical. Children are more resilient and inquisitive than we think.
5. There is too much emphasis on shielding children from harm, thereby undermining their natural inclination to learn adult survival skills, social and practical.
6. Benign neglect in parenting can be positive. “Go ahead; try it. They’ll thank you later on”.
7. Collaborative projects and play are key to creativity. Formal classroom work is less important. Children need balance between freedom and structure to optimise their creativity. There is a programming language called Scratch, which is supposed to be good, also Minecraft – let the kiddies loose!
“It is time to unwrap the seedlings from the cotton wool in which we have enwrapped children, plant them in rich soil and make sure they don’t grow up into another generation of overprotected kids”.
It would be interesting to know what Epicurus would have thought of the efforts to overturn the generally adopted modern methods of child-rearing. I strongly suspect he would have concurred. Something radical has to be done about the unhappiness of children today. Not all of it can be put down to Facebook et al.
Book information:
“Raising Children: Surprising insights from other cultures”, by David Lancy,Published by: Cambridge University Press
“Lifelong Kindergarten: Cultivating creativity through projects, passion, peers, and play” by Mitchel Resnick, Published by: MIT Press
(Based on an a review of the above books by Shaoni Bhattacharya, New Scientist)
One thing that could improve young children’s happiness would be to start school later. 4 and 5 year olds don’t learn well in classrooms, mostly because their concentration is poor. Better to expand nurseries. Children that age learn far more playing outside and doing practical activities. More extensive outdoor learning for children would also reduce the child obesity epidemic.
As for older children, I think there needs to be less pressure to grow up. Too often, children are expected to act and behave like adults. This is wrong, especially for boys who naturally mature at a slower rate. If they want to be a bit immature, let them, as long as they aren’t harming anyone.
I also think there’s too much pressure on young children as well. At school, it was often the children under more pressure from home who did worse, whereas those who genuinely enjoyed learning and were able to learn at their own pace, did better. It’s more important for children to be passionate about their subjects than for them to get high marks at an early age. If they are interested in the world, more often than not, good marks will follow.