California has become the first US state to adopt a “yes means yes” law which requires college students to obtain overt agreement to sexual activity from prospective partners. The “affirmative consent” measure was signed into law amid nationwide concern at a recent spate of rapes and sexual assaults on college campuses. Under the law, consent to sex means “an affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity” – though such consent can be non-verbal, such as a nod or a move towards the other person. Students who remain silent and may not explicitly resist sexual advances cannot be deemed to have consented. Surveys suggest that one in five US women are assaulted while at college.

Epicureans believe (at least, I jolly well hope they believe!) that the fun and excitement for a man is in the wooing of a lady, and that sex is a natural and mutual coming together that seems just right and inevitable. It is sad that today relationships between men and women seem to be about image and power-plays. Women like to feel they have attracted a man, and men like to brag about their conquests. “Hooking up” is a symptom of human relations gone very wrong. Life, in other words, seems to be about posturing and games, toying with the feelings of others, and even violence.

Epicurus, were he alive today, would urge us to return to the old idea of wooing a woman, of being subtle. There will always be the women who are attracted to men for their looks or because they are known rogues. But others appreciate intelligence, sense of humor, empathy, kindness and gentleness, and are attracted to a man who has a (genuine) interest in them, their feelings, and their lives. In other words, someone who takes the trouble to get to know them and isn’t just focused on himself!