When a child does something amazing, you want to tell her so. You might tell her that she’s very smart. You might tell her that she’s very special. Or you might say that she must have worked really hard.
On the surface, they all sound like the same compliments. But according to Brad Bushman, a communications and psychology professor at Ohio State University, the first two increase the child’s chances of becoming a narcissist. Only the last one raises the child’s self-esteem and keeps her ego in check, also reducing levels of anxiety and possible depression.
Self-esteem and narcissism are two very different things. The difference has to do with how you value yourself compared to other people. “Self-esteem basically means you’re a person of worth equal with other people,” Bushman says. “Narcissism means you think you’re better than other people. You overestimate your abilities, take too many risks, mess up relationships, and expect special treatment at all times. Narcissists hurt other people, society around them, and themselves as well. They tend to have parents who consistently overvalue their accomplishments. Their behaviour can be aggressive and they lack empathy for others.
Researchers agree that voicing the connection you feel to your children really helps. “If you want to look for a substitute for ‘You’re special,’ just say ‘I love you.’ It’s what you mean, and it’s a much better message. (Precis of an article on the NPR website, 2015).
For whatever reason one gets the impression thst some parents seem overly defensive and protective of their children. The age-old adage,”children should be seen and not heard” is just that – age-old. Unexpectedly large numbers of parents have “very special” children, to whom they seem to defer. Some of those children effectively rule the household. Heaven help the grandparent who interferes or who comments adversely on behaviour or manners! Of course, there are are very many exceptions, but I personally don’t remember anything similar years back. Maybe it reflects the perceived challenges of modern life, and an upspoken dislike of it, that provokes this child-centeredness. It is good neither for the child or for the parents. It’s certainly pretty dismal for the grandparents!
In a way, the child-centredness may mask parental self-centeredness. Few human activities are more psychic-energy intensive than socializing our young.
Parents have to delimit household boundaries, that takes energy. Parents have to repeat endlessly the simplest behavior–“please” and “thank you.” Parents have to teach how to greet other people, even if it means giving children the script: “How are you?”
Perhaps the most time-consuming parental work requires showing children how to listen to what others are saying. Not “listen” in the sense of “obey” but in the sense of hearing what someone else is conveying.
All of this adds up to one thing: children must be shown how to regard other human beings. Letting children off the hook in all these matters probably saves parental energy in the short run but we all pay in the long run.