A reader has asked the following question, which was provoked by my post yesterday about telling the truth:  “Was there any point in your life when you told people what they wanted to hear instead of what it was really like? And if so, do you now regret it?”

There are two aspects to this question.  The first involves telling people what they want to hear in order to protect yourself, your feelings, your reputation and your privacy.  The second aspect is telling people what you think they want to hear in order to avoid hurting their feelings and to keep your relationship with them on an even keel.

Let me address the first aspect of the question, and maybe tomorrow I can come back on the second.

The lady in the NewYork Times article (“I Nearly Died. So What? ” Megan Daum, New York Times, November 16, 2014) wrote about her relationship with her mother, who died.  She recounted how she found herself giving an account of the death that she thought her friends and family wanted to hear, rather than the unvarnished truth.  In this case  she was protecting herself, projecting the image of a loving, caring daughter that she, in her best judgment, thought would be a most acceptable way of maintaining, maybe burnishing, her image and avoid being judged by friends and acquaintances.  This is, at any rate what came across to me.

I tnink the point of this is that ideas of privacy are changing fast. In the old days people would send flowers and say, personally or in a letter, how sorry they were to hear the news.  Now, with social media, the hearts and minds of us all, are expected to be on twenty-four hour display.  Nothing is private.  I am surprised she wasn’t asked for photographs.

This makes us literally actors on a stage, playing, in this case, the role of the grieving daughter, when for all we know, this was not the case.   Whatever that was (e.g the truly feelings of the lady in question, for whom I feel very sorry) had nothing to do with the rest of us, for sure.

There are personal and family matters that people ask you about with the best intentions, taking an interest in you and your life.  If I feel that the question is of only passing interest to them, I don’t want to expose myself, so I say “How thoughtful of you to ask. Yes so-and-so is doing  fine”. And then quickly change the subject.  It can sometimes actually be embarrasing to others to hear you you express your true feelings    I am protecting my privacy.  Manifestly, it may not be the whole truth.

Do I regret my white lie or prevarication?   Not in the least.  I would be embarrassed to spill out my feelings , except to a close friend, for fear (maybe) of gossip.    On the other hand it should be safe to be honest and unburden oneself to a true friend.  It is all about judgment!