It’s a generational thing, I suppose. I was brought up to open doors for ladies, help them on and off with coats, stand up for them in buses, and so on. I can, perhaps, understand the young male attitude that goes ” You are competing with me for money and jobs. You can take your chances getting a seat in the metro; meanwhile, I am sitting down”. Wh jars with me is to see a long line of fit young men sitting in the London Tube pretending that they haven’t seen a pregnant woman, disabled person or an elderly lady strap-hanging in the aisle in front of them. To me this is curmudgeonly. It is the women and the foreign tourists who offer their seats. Speaking of which, American servicemen are particularly courteous; unfortunately, there are not enough of them on the London Tube to shame the bankers and such-like taking up the seats.
Some while ago National Public Radio carried a story about a debate taking place in an American college about “being a gentleman”. Only a few ( feminine?) young ladies said they liked the old courtesies. “I’m perfectly capable of opening a door, thank you”, was the general attitude. This issue created the most heat in the debate. It was called patronizing .
In my opinion the young women who reject the old courtesies misunderstand what all this is about. It is not about the “weak little woman”; it is about thoughtfulness for others, and this is a an Epicurean ideal. It is also a way of saying to your companion, ” I respect you , let me show it in a subtle way”. Yes, Epicurus would have been all in favor of the old courtesies
Incidentally, the true feelings of some of the students of the group referred to above were revealed by a young woman who said, ” But of course if a man offers to pay for a meal I won’t stop him”. There you have it.
Sometimes it’s a question of practicality. Do we sit there waiting for the fellow to circumnavigate the car to open a door? do we hang back so the gent can dash ahead to open those push-pull doors? So we might consider it a question of peace of mind: let’s just do what is easiest physically in the moment. That’s relaxing and the left-over energy can be channeled to focusing on something else, like good conversation, etc. .
Not giving up one’s subway seat for a person in greater need? that’s a clear violation of kindness. Ah, but if it’s a middle-aged woman getting up for a frail elderly man– what then? Would the man prefer frailty to being perceived as needy? “Need” is the measure but even “need” isn’t always simple or obvious, is it?
I agree that it’s very much a question of judgement. Sometimes a young person, usually a young woman, gets up on a train and offers me her seat. And sometimes I decline, but thank her with a big smile. Likewise, I thank those who stand up for my wife, to encourage them thoughtfulness. Epicureans should always show consideration and set an examle. Those selfish, grumpy young men, hiding behind their newspapers or pretending they don’t notice an old lady, might not appear to be affected, but it’s possible nevertheless that they make a mental note, “Yes, another time I will do that”. Thus we might maintain the old traditions of courtesy.