It’s Easter Sunday, so something a bit light-hearted is called for. The following is an absolutely genuine list of things Homeland Security workers should notice to determine whether a traveler could be a terrorist:
– Exaggerated yawning
– Excessive complaints about the screening process
– Excessive throat clearing
– Widely open, staring eyes
– Wearing improper attire for the location
– Whistling as the individual approaches the screening process
– Gazing down
– Exaggerated or repetitive grooming gestures
– Pale face from recent grooming of beard
– Rubbing or wringing of hands
As a person of of undisclosed years I have a metal hip, and I am thus a “person under suspicion” under the Homeland Security Act, requiring me to have a personal “pat down” at the airport. I often approach the security area with widely staring eyes and a pale face from recent grooming of my beard. Oh, and being bored, I yawn, wring my hands or whistle. (I sometimes reflect that, had I wanted to subvert society or blow it up, I would have done so decades ago; now I’m too tired and wouldn’t know where to start anyway).
So to pass the time I developed a banter designed to entertain the poor men who waste their lives patting, in order to elicit at least a wan smile (“can’t I have a beautiful young lady to do this?”) if not an actual laugh. Epicureans should spread joie de vivre. But statistics show that only 1 person in 12,001 tries to be funny during this unfunny procedure. Suspicious behavior, you see (everything else is, so why not joking). A government committee is considering whether “Trying to make a joke” should be added to the above list of suspicious behaviours. My wife is nervous. “Homeland Security personnel* are trained to be grim. Be careful. You could find yourself in Guantanamo, being tortured”, she warns me. Isn’t airport security a form of torture? Anyway, another failure in the quest to lighten up a humorless world!
* Airport security people are personnel. Everyone else are people. How I dislike these pompous, de-personalizing epithets!
Travelling by air used to be fun. I remember a very long journey to NewZealand. The plane was nearly empty and the air hostesses, as they used to be known at the time (“waitresses” now) had nothing to do. So I spent several hours chatting to an absolutely charming air hostess – until her husband came to join us to check on me. He turned ourt to be the chief pilot. Anyway, one didn’t have to take off your shoes in security in those days, have the intimate details of your muscular body revealed to strangers, or take bottles, keys or computers out of your hand luggage. Oh, and the seats were far enough apart to be able to sit down.. Seems so long ago Queen Victoria must have been on the throne.. Epicurus would actually have enjoyed it.