A study into whether a marriage would improve if the husband always agreed with his wife had to be abandoned when the man fell into a depression. For the experiment the husband was asked to “agree with his wife’s every opinion and request without complaint”, even if he thought she was in the wrong. But after 12 days, the husband said he couldn’t carry on, as his wife (who did not know about the study) became increasingly critical of everything he did. Over the period, his quality of life rating plummeted from seven to three, while hers increased slightly, from eight to eight and a half.

I would personally be suspicious if my wife, who has a mind of her own and a better one than mine, suddenly agreed with everything I said. Since the days of Epicurus (and before) one of the great things about marriage (or any long-term relationship) is freedom to argue, suggest and persuade, debate and reconsider. There is nothing wrong with being solitary, but two brains are better than one, and the judgment of a friend or spouse not only prevents one making stupid mistakes, but it raises your game and makes you more effective. (Reading this again, I realize how goddam obvious it sounds. Sorry!)

Epicurus knew all this very well, which is why he recruited smart people, including women and slaves into his garden community so that all could benefit from the ideas of thoughtful and clever people. A good Epicurean should never resent being argued with, even if it reinforces his or her initial resolve.